What sparks joy, you ask? Pockets. I want pockets everywhere. All the pockets on women’s clothing.

Oh, pocket in my pants? Splendid! They aren’t fake! (Seriously, why is this even a reaction?)

Pockets in my dress? Amazing! I’m on fire! Today’s going to be a great day.

Aww, thanks for the compliment on my dress! IT EVEN HAS POCKETS!

You know what forget this, this isn’t going to be your conventional poem. I’m going all out:

FFS, do you know how much valuable time is lost searching for temporary resting places for our belongings because we don’t have pockets in our pants, shorts, or dresses? Let’s try doing the math, shall we? If you haven’t noticed, I’m addressing a very important issue today.

Estimating the time lost, I would say on any typical day I spend about 27 seconds trying to find my phone because the fashion industry doesn’t want to make pockets on my pants. I’m flipping over throw pillows on the couch, scanning the dining table, coffee table, under Gerald, the kitchen counter, the bathroom (yes, we’re all doing the text-and-drop, don’t you dare deny such a thing in this day and age), and finally I find it in some obscure place like on top of my refrigerator.

Mind you, if  I misplace my phone on average 1.5x a day, that makes quite amount of time that could be devoted to more productive things to do with my mortal time on this earth. (It rounds out to about 18.9 minutes a month!). I don’t know about you, but I like to think in terms of minutes and what activity can displace that. For instance, the lack of pockets is causing a loss of 20 minutes a month; that’s the equivalent of 20 minutes that cumulatively could have been spent on practicing a new language, cooking a new meal for you or others, commuting to the beach for a beach day, the possibilities are endless. You could argue that those are 20 minutes combined, not like the minute here and there spent on searching for a phone. Ultimately, that’s 20 minutes of life per month that is lost due to the absence of pockets in my pants.

In light of this, is it worth actively seeking out articles of clothing that have pockets? Yes. Am I going to start wearing men’s clothing because there are pockets ON EVERYTHING?

Now maybe I’ll start using the $3 that I have on hand to respond to the supply and demand market perpetuating the war on women’s pockets and buy some women’s clothing with damn pockets on them. REAL POCKETS. Not the crazy slits on women’s pants for “fashion” that resembles Lord Voldemort’s eyes. Excuse me, but let me ask if the ladies wanted something just for show and is completely nonfunctional, what would that be? Certainly not fake pockets. Also, deep pockets are real value-adds if that obvious detail wasn’t immediately clear.

I want to point out that there’s a larger issue here at hand in which the lack of pockets is seriously limiting in women’s autonomy. Before someone tries to undermine the importance of pockets, let me ask, what if the pockets just disappeared on men’s clothing overnight?

Sobering, isn’t it? Wouldn’t life be drastically different? Cue the unforeseen blip in the “man purse” industry. Where are you going to put your  wallet? Where are you going to put your loose change? That parking ticket? Your phone? Why, let me hook a purse onto your arm — *laughs manically* hook, line, and sinker — welcome to the hell of purse ownership: obsessive brand comparisons, back problems galore, and those red, black, and blue skin bands of courage running across your shoulders and forearms from the lack of circulation. Look, purses are great!

My purse saves the day, don’t get me wrong! And, I’m always the friend who has that emergency band-aid for your cut heel from walking in shoes-that-weren’t-made-for-walking or that life-saving pad for when aunt Flow decides to visit on a whim. But I like being the sleek girl with no purse sometimes. It’s liberating. On that note of liberation, let’s delve right into another idea.

I‘m venturing into psychology now. And as I’m writing this, Freudian psychology seems to call to me in a way that is quite dangerous. Let’s apply Freudian psychology to the presence of pockets on male/female clothing: I’m not sure what I’m putting out into the internet right now but I think the fact that pockets are synonymous with spaces, caves, certain Georgia O’Keeffe paintings… hmm, quite interesting situation we have here, wouldn’t you say? Pockets are quite womanly now! Pockets are part of the liberation of women’s bodies. There’s much to be said here and expanded upon but you get it, I know you have an active imagination and analytical mind like I do! Kudos, bravo!

Sure, pockets won’t fix everything but it’s a start.

Good, grief now that that is over, let’s get back to the elated feeling of discovering pockets on our garments: it’s lovely. When I need to stow my phone away, my hand slips into my, oh what’s that? My pant pocket! My purse doesn’t need 6.24 oz of technological bondage.

On the topic of what’s in my purse, I will shamelessly say that it’s already filled with a business card holder doubling as a compact mirror, wallet, loyalty cards, keys, napkins, band-aids, pads, and a Swiss army knife (it was an impulse buy while in Switzerland, okay?).

Oh, how wonderful pockets would be! My little life encapsulated in a 3 inch by 6 inch rectangle stays in there, nice and snug until it’s called upon once again. But perhaps the phone will bother me as it is too large for a pant pocket. It will not call upon me but rather poke at me incessantly! No matter, if men can make it work I’m sure all the creative geniuses of the world will make it work for women, right?

Drown me in pockets.